How to Decide for Yourself: Make Parenting Choices That Feel Good
8 minute read
Here's something most people don't know that took me years to understand: hard decisions aren't hard because of the choices themselves. They're hard because those choices represent something that's important to you — your values — and it feels like you can't have both at the same time.
Hi, I'm Claire Cassidy. I'm a licensed therapist and the founder of A Parent Like You. I help parents know what matters most to them so they can feel confident about their parenting choices.
In this post, I'm going to teach you my number one way to make hard decisions with clarity and ease. This method works best with decisions that you feel like you just can't choose because both options feel right for different reasons. They're decisions like: should I homeschool my kid or send them to public school? Should I go back to work or stay at home with my kids? Have a second kid or not?
These types of decisions are complicated, there's a lot of factors at play, and very often, overwhelming to navigate. But the method I'm about to teach you will help you organize your mind and make a choice that you actually feel good about.
Because like any good therapist, I can't tell you which choice you should make, but I can teach you how to find out for yourself.
Where This Method Came From
Before we get into the details, let me give you some background.
This way of making decisions is called Clarify, Connect, Choose. It stands for:
Clarify the situation
Connect to your values
Choose your action
I created this method after having my daughter in 2023. I had so many parenting questions all the time, so I did what most of us do and turned to Google. But I never actually found any answers to my questions, because every search would give me opposite answers. Every article seemed to contradict the last one.
All this advice I thought I wanted only made it harder to decide. And really, how could someone else tell me whether or not I should put my kid in daycare? Have a second child or not? Those are deeply complicated, personal questions.
So I created a way of making decisions that helps me look inward for the answers, not outward.
It All Starts With Values
Clarify, Connect, Choose simplifies complicated decisions and helps you understand what's really going on under the surface. And it all starts with values.
Values are personal judgments of what is most important in life. They're things like trust, respect, and independence — but everyone's will be different.
Without even thinking about it, we naturally rank our own values based on their importance. Some are very important, some are just important, and some aren't important at all.
The more important a value is to us, the more it becomes a goal for life. We feel the desire to act in a way that lives up to that value. If someone values ambition, they'll be pulled toward having an ambitious career.
And this is great, because as humans, we feel better when we act in alignment with our values. It's like driving a car and staying in your lane. Things are smooth.
On the flip side, if our car starts to drift out of our lane, we hit rumble strips. It's noisy and uncomfortable. Acting outside of our values just doesn't feel right.
We often experience this when it feels like our lane is suddenly splitting, and we have to choose whether we act in alignment with the value over here on the left, or the value over there on the right. Which road do we take? If we can't decide, we stay driving in the middle of two lanes, hitting rumble strips the whole time.
That's exactly what makes decisions hard. So let's walk through how to bring those lanes back together.
1. Clarify the Situation
In order to make a decision you feel good about, you have to start with a good understanding of what the decision actually is.
First, clearly describe, in just one sentence: what is the decision I'm trying to make?
Next, write a list of all the outside details that need to be considered in the decision.
Last, describe exactly why you feel drawn toward each side of the decision. What about option A feels like it would be a good idea? Why would you want to choose option B?
Let's walk through an example
Say my imaginary teenage daughter asked me if she could go to a concert that's 2.5 hours away. She just turned 17, and she wants to go with her friend — no parent — and they're going to drive themselves down for the concert and back up right after. This is a friend she's known for a long time, and my husband and I really like and trust this friend, but it's everyone else we don't trust. I want them both to be safe and you never know what could happen. It's a pop concert and they really want to go, but I'm just not sure it's a good idea. Who would drive, and it's so late at night — have they ever even driven before? And the tickets are expensive and I don't know if she should pay for them or if we should…
Okay. Take a breath. There's a lot of information there, and it adds to the muddiness of the decision. So let's break it down.
Step one: what exactly am I trying to decide, in one sentence?
Well, in its most simple form: I am trying to decide if I should let my daughter attend a concert or not.
Step two: what are the details of this decision?
This can be a brain dump — anything that feels important:
She's newly 17
Going with a friend, no parent
We like and trust the friend
Concert is 2.5 hours away
Driving themselves down and back up (late at night)
The music seems appropriate
Step three: why do I feel pulled toward each option?
I want to let her go because she really wants to, and I want her to have fun. I know she'll have a great time. On the flip side, I want to say no because I'm worried about her safety. Concerts can get rowdy, they'll be driving late, and there's no parent there to keep them safe.
That's the first stage: Clarify the Situation.
2. Connect to Your Values
In this stage, we're going to do three things: identify your values, define what they mean to you, and map how your values are showing up in this decision.
Imagine a lake that represents this decision. Everything we just did in Clarify the Situation is like the surface of the lake. Now we're going to dive deeper down into what's underneath: your values.
Identify your values
If you're like most parents, you may not know your values off the top of your head. Here's how you can find out.
Take a big list of values and circle the ones that are important to you. Then, go back through those circled values to find the ones that are really important to you. From there, group your really important values into similar themes or categories. These categories represent your core values.
(If you want a copy of a free value identification tool, there's a link at the end of this post — it's 100% free, immediate access, no strings attached.)
Define your values
Once you know your values, define them. Not in a technical, textbook way — but what do your values actually mean to you? These definitions don't have to be "right," and they don't need to make sense to anyone else.
Map your values onto the decision
Finally, look at both options in the decision — Option A and Option B — and think about which of your values each option represents. Because again, hard decisions are just values clashing. So which of my values are butting heads here?
Let's walk through the example
Say I've gone through the process of identifying my values, and I've landed on presence, stability, and fun.
Now I define them:
Presence to me means being in the current moment and focusing on one thing at a time. It also means showing up for the people in my life and giving them my full attention.
Stability to me means being able to provide for my family, and being a reliable source of strength and protection.
Fun to me means finding and enjoying happiness and play, and making even average moments exciting.
Now, which of my values are competing with each other in this decision?
Letting my daughter go represents the value of fun. I know she would really enjoy it, and I want her to pursue fun and adventurous experiences. On the flip side, I want to say no because I want to keep her safe — and that represents the value of stability to me. I need to be the source of protection and structure for my daughter, and sometimes that means saying no.
That's stage two. Underneath the logistics of the decision on the surface are my values of fun and stability, clashing. That's why the decision is hard.
3. Choose Your Action
Now for the final stage. We'll answer two questions:
Which of my values is most important in this decision? What am I unwilling to go without?
How can I prioritize that most important value while also still fulfilling the other?
This is where Clarify, Connect, Choose really stands out compared to other ways of decision-making. You do not have to always choose Option A or Option B, leaving one value behind so you can choose another. You can find a compromise where both values are met.
If you're stuck on the surface of the lake with all the details and logic of the decision, there's really only one possible direction of travel: back and forth between Option A and Option B.
But if you dive down to swim in the values underneath the decision, you can suddenly go anywhere — down, up, side to side, diagonally. Now you have many more options than just A or B. You can create new solutions, new compromises that address both of your values in a way that feels good to you.
Back to the example
If I ask myself which of my values is most important in this moment, my gut says stability. I am unwilling to go without being a protector for my daughter. Her safety is top priority for me. That value has to be the primary goal.
But I also want to feel like my value of fun is being honored. So how can I say yes to both stability and fun?
Now that I'm underneath the water, I can swim in any direction I want. I can think creatively and go beyond just Option A and Option B to consider Options C, D, and E:
Maybe I allow my daughter to go, but only if I go too — I could even sit in a different section, so she can still have fun with her friend on her own, but I can keep an eye on her to make sure she stays safe.
Or maybe I say no to this concert, but we find a smaller one closer to home that she can go to by herself.
Or maybe they can attend the concert by themselves, only if I drop them off and pick them up — limiting their unsupervised time.
All of these new options say yes to both fun and stability. They make me feel comfortable that she's safe, but they also allow her to have fun.
Now I can choose whichever one feels best to me and my gut. To narrow it down, ask yourself: which option would feel like a relief to choose?
In this hypothetical, I think allowing her to go if I attend in a different section would feel like a relief. The tension I've felt around this decision melts away with that compromise.
Try It Yourself
If this was at all helpful for you, I'd love to hear from you. I've put together a template that walks you through Clarify, Connect, Choose step by step, along with a free value identification guide to help you get started — both linked below.
Thank you so much for your time. I know it's a valuable resource, especially for parents. I appreciate you being here.
And remember: there's no better parent than a parent like you..
Value Identification Guide (Free, Instant Download) | Clarify, Connect, Choose Template
